I have noticed that most of my posts are simply about events or funny things that I come across, and I never really share my heart. I don't know why...but I feel like I need to right now. I am not an eloquent writer, and I don't even know what I want to write, so just bear with me for a bit. I think I need to process...
October is really a month that I would just like to erase from the calendar most years. Other than my beautiful niece's birthday (I love you, R!), it is really a somber month. This year marks the 5th year of my mom's death. October 7th would have been her 62nd birthday, and she passed away on October 24th, 2003. It really does not seem possible that it has been 5 years. It really does not seem real that I am 30 years old and have been without my mom for 5 years.
My mom... She was a beautiful woman. She had a gorgeous smile and the most flawless skin you will ever see! She had a youthful glow about her that always caused shock among those who asked her age.
October is really a month that I would just like to erase from the calendar most years. Other than my beautiful niece's birthday (I love you, R!), it is really a somber month. This year marks the 5th year of my mom's death. October 7th would have been her 62nd birthday, and she passed away on October 24th, 2003. It really does not seem possible that it has been 5 years. It really does not seem real that I am 30 years old and have been without my mom for 5 years.
My mom... She was a beautiful woman. She had a gorgeous smile and the most flawless skin you will ever see! She had a youthful glow about her that always caused shock among those who asked her age.
She was very loving, and loved her family with all her heart, just like a momma should. She kept this family together, and unified us in a way I didn't completely understand until she was gone. We are still close, and love each other immensely, but things are just different in so many ways.
She was my best friend. She was the one I called when anything happened in my life...good or bad. She was the one that would cry with me when I called in tears, only to cheer me up by the end of the phone call. She was the one I really loved spending time with, even during those crazy teenage years.
She loved animals like no one I know. We were constantly catching stray dogs and finding their owners (or keeping them) because she couldn't bear the thought of them being out in the cold or in the traffic. We always had a dog, or 2 or 3 in the house. Not always well-trained, but always well-loved and spoiled rotten. My brother even has Simon, the cat she managed to take in during her last few years. A really cool cat!...but my dad hates cats and swore he would never have one. My mom could soften anyone's heart to an animal! :) I can clearly tell I inherited this trait! And I think my baby girl inherited her Grandmomma's love of animals, even though she never got to witness it.
I have so many wonderful memories of my mom, but for some reason feel sometimes like I am starting to forget things. That is causing more sorrow this month than ever before. Will I slowly forget more and more over the years? Do I remember her voice? Do I remember her smell? It breaks my heart that my husband and children never got to meet her (Kris and I met 4 months after her death)...and I always swore I would talk about her enough to make them feel like they knew her well. But have I done that? Will I be able to follow through with that promise?
I have been in a serious funk for the last few weeks, and I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones making things worse, maybe it is me allowing myself to mope...whatever it is, would you pray with me that God takes this from me? I don't want to NOT grieve her, but I want to grieve with the promise I have as a believer in Jesus Christ, and not allow it to paralyze me. As I remember more, I will probably post more. She was an incredible woman and deserves to be remembered.
She was my best friend. She was the one I called when anything happened in my life...good or bad. She was the one that would cry with me when I called in tears, only to cheer me up by the end of the phone call. She was the one I really loved spending time with, even during those crazy teenage years.
She loved animals like no one I know. We were constantly catching stray dogs and finding their owners (or keeping them) because she couldn't bear the thought of them being out in the cold or in the traffic. We always had a dog, or 2 or 3 in the house. Not always well-trained, but always well-loved and spoiled rotten. My brother even has Simon, the cat she managed to take in during her last few years. A really cool cat!...but my dad hates cats and swore he would never have one. My mom could soften anyone's heart to an animal! :) I can clearly tell I inherited this trait! And I think my baby girl inherited her Grandmomma's love of animals, even though she never got to witness it.
I have so many wonderful memories of my mom, but for some reason feel sometimes like I am starting to forget things. That is causing more sorrow this month than ever before. Will I slowly forget more and more over the years? Do I remember her voice? Do I remember her smell? It breaks my heart that my husband and children never got to meet her (Kris and I met 4 months after her death)...and I always swore I would talk about her enough to make them feel like they knew her well. But have I done that? Will I be able to follow through with that promise?
I have been in a serious funk for the last few weeks, and I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones making things worse, maybe it is me allowing myself to mope...whatever it is, would you pray with me that God takes this from me? I don't want to NOT grieve her, but I want to grieve with the promise I have as a believer in Jesus Christ, and not allow it to paralyze me. As I remember more, I will probably post more. She was an incredible woman and deserves to be remembered.
Here is a photo of her and me at Christmas, probably around 1996 or 1997. It is one of my favorites.
6 comments:
wow...your mom was really pretty...just like you said. I don't think you will EVER forget her, even as much as you think you may. I also think that Emmalyn and Kris can know her through you. She is and always will be a part of you and as long as you believe that her memory will always live on. Don't worry about what you will forget...just try to rejoice in what you remember. I understand your grief...I have never lost a close loved one, but when Brenda passed away I think it hurt just as much as if she was MY family. Her memory lives on in all the things I remember about her. Although she was not my mother and I didn't know her as intimately as others, when I remember things she said or things she used to do it makes me joyful that I was allowed to be a part of her life, even for a little while.
I know that there are no words to say to comfort you in your feelings of loss, but I will be praying for you through this that God will sustain you and help you recall those things that you loved about your mom.
That was a really sweet post about your Momma. I haven't come to that point in life, and I don't look forward to it at all! I will lift you up in prayer to help you get through the "funk"
I am also from Nederland! Just looking for other bloggers around me! :)
Angie
The build up to an anniversary of such a sad event can be very difficult. I know that you miss her every day, but I'm sure that as it gets closer to the anniversary of her passing that the days get more and more sad. I don't think that there is anything that I can tell you that will make it any less difficult. Try to rest in the Lord's comfort and peace, as opposed to carrying the burden by yourself. The pain won't go away, but it will help ease the overwhelming grief.
I am so so sorry that you have had to experience such a loss, but as Jennifer said, your mom will forever live on through you. The picture of you both is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing her with us.
I love you very much!
There's that twinkle that I see in Emmalyn's eye!
Thank you. I miss her too. October's aren't ever going to be too much fun. I love and miss you.
My Beautiful Friend!
Oh how my heart breaks with your pain and grief. I too have been thoughtful of the loss of my great grandmother. We had a special relationship where, I knew her very well actually better than I know my own grandmother, her daughter. She passed away the day after Katrina hit...I think about her often. We are actually sleeping under the quilt she made Bryan and I as a wedding gift. Every piece of the quilt was stitched by hand and with so much passion and love. I love her and don't think I will ever forget her she was so wonderful. I am sorry you have been in a funk we need to get out together and talk. We, your girlfriends are here to scoop you out of that pit. With much love let us remember our losses together bitter and sweet may we never forget the women in our lives that have impacted us forever.
Michael
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